Four moons Mama

What a deep dive has been, in the deepest of the unknown, the fear of loss has been my first and last thought of the day, fear of death, fear of my body not good enough to carry a baby, fear of fearing too much about anything, fear fear.. fear you weren’t in my womb.

Grief for our loss last year, the grief of this life and the maiden phase of my journey as a woman. Everything is going to change in so many ways and this change will be forever.

When Nausea came, it was a good reassurance, but I didn’t expect this journey to be the way has been.

I dreamt of being radiantly alive and ecstatic, joyful, glowing,.. instead, I felt tired and sick and ever so lazy, Yoga practice has gone out of the window. I’m eating crap and lying in bed most of the time.

My body growing so fast.. so hard to keep up with the changing and so hard to accept this constant opening motion. My heart cracked open, so wide once more with the fear of having to pick up the pieces again.. My cravings so meaty, and milky.. and so so not me.. Yes the judgment has been part of these days too.

One day everything changed, and my heart was a little bit reassured. We saw a pair of little legs and a beating heart and that little nose. A wriggling baby waving to us. Perfectly fitting in my perfectly functioning sacred womb.

The trust is growing daily, and being a divine chariot for this sacred soul (it’s is a Bali babe!) to the earth side is .. an interesting overwhelming sensation that I never felt. Connecting has been hard and scary – I talk to baby a little and when I ask hey baby are you ok? The answer is I’m here mama, I love you. And I say Thank you, I love you.

I like to take long baths with the shower running over the two of us, it reminds me when we were in Bali under the waterfalls,  I was asking the universe to manifest a baby in my womb.

Your daddy has been my shining sun, he tells me I’m amazing every day,  he reminds me my body is perfect and that I’m doing my very best every day. He talks to you and I know you talk to him because he smiles loads and he is so so so happy. When he saw you he looked like he saw the brightest star in the universe.

Today found my sonicaid in the wardrobe, it’s a little doppler that midwives use to listen to the baby’s heart; I know mamas are not supposed to use it because:

A- only midwives can use it because they know how to use it and what to look for

B- it can cause more anxiety

C- There is no evidence of immediate or long-term harm to the developing fetus from exposure to B mode ultrasound. However, exposure to high levels of Doppler ultrasound during early development is increasingly common, and the full safety implications of this exposure are not clear. (

Anyway, I’m a mama and also a midwife – these two have been not listening to each other lately AT ALL .. so today we heard your heartbeat for the first time! What a divine melody! I have been listening to babies heart every single day for the past 10 years, but our baby’s hearbeat.. its the sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard (I’m  mamma italiana after all!)

Before I left Bali I went to the beach and looked at the sunset and draw our family connected with all the elements, and your essence was in my womb already. Four moons have passed since then.. Four moons of being your chariot, ten moon journey.

I dream about the day I will birth you into the world, it’s going to be magic!