13 weeks passed since Isaac Wolf was born, the fourth trimester is completed.
On Friday the 22nd of November our baby came earthside.
It was a moving journey started peacefully and slowly and softly and then soon after all of a sudden become so powerful, fast and overwhelming. I’ve used my voice like never before. Matt my rock, we breathed together and he took me back when I was lost. Our birth keepers Alice, Dawn and Gaynor, held the space for us in our little home. And my absolute teacher, our son, Isaac Wolf.
Oh, this time has passed so fast…
I often think back to our birth .. and like when Christmas ends, I get a little blue in my heart.
Everything begins the morning of November 22: I woke up with a menstrual cramp, and I thought that the moment had come .. in the morning I continued to have light waves .. some more intense some long some short .. coming gently and yet I letting me know things were happening.
When I went to the loo I saw a little show of pinkish watery blood, I had a flash-back at the night of my miscarriage.. the blood in the water looked like watercolour paint like then, a little crunch in my stomach. I felt butterflies of joy in my stomach flying free and feeling of end and death at the same time.
Impatient and curious, I felt my cervix .. it was right at the front and preparing for the opening.
Matt and I went into the woods for a walk, the waves became more intense, at times, and I had to stop to breathe and kneel down, with my hands deep in the earth. I felt grounded and rooted in the earth, and yet I could feel the vibration of the whole universe with every surge.
It was a cloudy day, sometimes the winter sun would appear, sometimes the fog would hug the trees on the path. The leaves on grass did not creak as I imagined, they were wet, even the air was damp and cold.
We went to the oak tree, the tree where I left the spirit of our baby when I miscarriage sometimes ago. I sat, I let myself be held by it. I breathed and waited for more waves, touching the grass, smelling the musk; feeling the cold air on my cheeks I said thank you to my children for coming. I called the spirit of this boy who was about to come, and I wished him a safe journey earthside.
Matt was calm but a little bit impatient, he asked me how I was and if I thought I was in labour. He was taking a picture at every wave and he was surprised they were so close together. I was still calm and spiralling in and out from contractions with ease and only for seconds. We walked a little further in the fields and then went home.
I took a hot bath and the waves stopped .. tin tin, our cat, was sitting on the tub with me .. I smiled and dreamed of about our first meeting my darling boy.
After the bath, I felt hungry I asked Matt to go get some bacon from the butcher because craved for carbonara pasta. When he came back we cooked together. We ate and drank some red wine.
I prepared my altar, lied down all my crystal, my birth necklace that I’ve made at my blessing ways; I was chanting my birth affirmations into my head; this made me faithful and connected to the higher self and to all the mothers of the universe. I burned sage and asked the mother goddesses to stay close to me during our birth journey.
The spiral of labour was open and I stepped into it.. I little bit shy but not for long .. as soon as I put on my favorite yoga music and started flowing the contractions came back smooth and fast, one after the other.
I video-called my mom and sister .. and I started having to breathe deeply with each wave .. they came close and rhythmical but didn’t last too long .. I was crying a bit because I wanted my mom to be with me, and a bit because the sensations were more intense.
In the bathroom, a few more drops of pink blood would mark the start of the opening phase. My cervix felt thin and wide and the membranes tense like a drum.
I decided to use the tense machine.. it felt fantastic, the tingling sensation would arrive quicker than the wave and helped breathing through.
Matt started preparing the birth the pool. I was very excited.
Around 4 in the afternoon we decided to call our midwife .. who arrived an hour after..
Waves become faster and wild.
I stepped into the pool, the spiral became deep, I got lost in it or perhaps I started spinning along, the sense of time and space disappeared.. I had this feeling that everything went so much quicker than it actually was.
Our home become darker.. the sun had set and later Alice, and Gaynor joined the birth scene. I hugged Alice tight and we cried together before another wave arrived.
Matt and Alice would press my sacred bones with every contraction.
I had a scarf from Cambodia around my belly and Dawn would pull it up to relieve the wait of my womb.
Waves arrived faster and faster: I had no time to rest .. I thought I couldn’t make it.. this baby was in moving wildly into the birth path, I ask him to slow down and give me a breather for 5 minutes .. but he was determined to be born quickly I think.
“I felt every movement you did to get into the birth path, I felt my body blooming and my sacred bones opening; my womb hugging you down, so powerful, so so powerful moving waves so close together working with perfect synchronicity.”
Sometimes I lost my mind and thought I it was too much- I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to go upstairs in my bed and stop and sleep.. Matt brought me back, every time I got lost into my mind, to calmness by breathing together like we practised hypnobirthing during pregnancy; we were on the same path- he was my rock and he truly believe in me.
I looked at the clock for the first time at seven o’clock. Waves were more intense than ever .. even closer, even more overwhelming even longer.
This baby took me to the very edge of my limit, trusting that I could take it: he believed in my body and in me when I couldn’t!
I asked to be examined and to use gas and air because everything was a bit too intense at that point. That point .. I knew it was the transition, that time when I had to let the maiden die, that point when the spirit of the Mother would come from within and make me roar and birth our baby, and so it was.
I got out of the tub and lied on the sofa, Dawn, my midwife, examined me and I saw her proud smile before she spoke: “you’re fully dilated” .. another contraction and immediately I jumped up and started walking in circle in our small living room. At this point I thought that whatever was going to happen I was happy to have got this far, the idea of an epidural and a c-section was so so appealing then, as many mamas do, I asked repeatedly to go to the hospital, to go home (I was home already?!) to stop everything.
The adrenaline started to flow a little faster than oxytocin for a while: I started to eat dates and bananas .. the waves slowed down a little. I felt so present, back in the room.. preparing and yet moaning to the midwives that I’ve had enough and that I no longer wanted to give birth and that they had to take me to the hospital.
With every wave I roared and also screamed very loudly “take him out, I can’t do it” – matt would support me with every contraction,
He hugged me close and looked
Into my eyes and told me I was strong; to me, he looked calm and he made me feel safe.
Gaynor whispered in my ear “remember where you are going” and gave me a cloth to smell with Angelica essential oil.
I never made it back into the pool. I always knew I would have a land birth.. I was on my knees on the front, I was hugging Matt who was sitting on the sofa. After giving birth he revealed how frightened he was by my screams and what I was saying .. -let’s say that this birth was a bit wilder than the peaceful hypnobirthing birth video we saw – since I’m a quiet soul we thought it would have been peaceful and silent: instead I’ve used my voice like never before!
The waves build-up -it was a powerful ocean .. and felt it moving back on my the sacred bones. I was breathing the gas intensely and when they passed I closed my eyes for a few moments and flow somewhere in the universe for a second or so.
I was worried because I haven’t felt the baby head descending yet.. I had no idea about the time again.
At some point, I felt the waters realising after a contraction .. warm clear sacred water streaming down on my legs, what a reassuring feeling!
Soon after that the mountain within me would move slowly and open my bones more and more and hug you down closer to me.
There was the head .. I felt him moving down all at once, and from that moment every wave felt more like the biggest mountain moving down in my body, into the birth path, moving Isaac lower and lower: insurmountable, overwhelming, unstoppable .. my voice louder, roaring like a lioness. It was ever so Powerful. (Writing about It now empower me so so much, oh my wise strong body, I’m so thankful!)
I was waiting for that moment .. when I always say to women, you will see when you push is different, you feel less pain .. but No -for me the sensations were more and more intense: the power of every surge would open my bones more and more and I could feel my body changing and making space to allow life to come to the earth!
The mountain was advancing: starting from the top of the womb-like a press .. and my baby coming closer and closer; I felt him so close so many times that I thought he was almost born at every wave.
At the beginning I let him and the contractions do the job.. I surrendered to this overwhelming force but it was all too powerful and I felt it needed to come to an end soon so I started to push along, hoping that he would be born soon.
The head was moving towards the front and I felt a lot of pressure on the symphysis then on the clitoris and the urethra. Gaynor told me to move up a little with my back .. but I was on my knee and I could not move at all.. I held a warm cloth at the front and Dawn kept one my perineum.
“Son I’m ready come now! “ I give him permission I’m my head to come, I prayed him to come quick.
His heart was beating fast and fast and the midwives were smiling .. I knew we were safe.
The head was finally crowing, my bones even wider, everything open and stretched .. I was ready to open my heart to my son, and so the head was born..
A few minutes of rest .. I felt him moving first to the right then back and forth then to the left .. another overwhelming wave, I lifted one knee from the floor and there he here was
Baby you are earthside. It was 9:55 pm, on the 22 of November 2019
When you emerged I saw the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen, soul of my soul; your eyes wise and open, your spirit so radiantly alive, your voice, the sound of heaven.
His arms open, his eyes wide awake, ready for his first cry .. his mouth open and his back arched. I held him in between my legs, I looked at him and rubbed him..
“my baby, my baby, my baby is here, you are so beautiful” “I’ve made it”
The midwives were crying, and Matt: his eyes! He was in tears too.
Me: widely present, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I hugged him tightly. He was perfect! His round face and his peachy-pink skin, a lot of hair, a small mouth, he was a little one. I sat on the floor and held him tight, I smelled him deeply.
I gave birth to my baby!
I called my mom : “I made it mum, I made it! He is beautiful mum he is so beautiful!”
After the excitement of the birth, I lay down on the sofa waiting for the placenta. The midwives were scribbling the notes, I was lying down admiring my son: his eyes so wise like he knew why he came here for. Resting on my breast, at peace. I was at peace too, oxytocin was steaming like never in my life, and so adrenalin.. I was so high!
Matt emptied the tub and tide everything up. He then told me that he was quite overwhelmed and that he had to occupy his mind and hands to calm down and feel a little more grounded.
After an hour or so we were still waiting for the placenta to be born, I went to the bathroom, I kneeled, but nothing .. I asked Dawn to be a bit more hands on.. she pulled her down gently and she was born softly.
We were all lying skin to skin .. Matt finally with us, the baby was still attached to his placenta, we decided for a lotus birth.
And in a flash, it was all over and it all starting!
Alice prepared the spaghetti al pomodoro and we all ate together before they left.
The house was quiet, the lights low, we went to bed.
Still overwhelmed and with my baby by my side, my heart open more than ever, the body ditto .. I couldn’t sleep .. I was terrified now that anything could happen to him. I held him close to me, like a cat I sometimes smelled him sometimes I kissed him sometimes I touched him sometimes I woke him up to by make sure he was breathing.
Since birth has been bliss and gratitude and infinite love. You have awaken the lioness in me, primal instinct are so strong right now.
In the morning with the sun and our baby .. all naked in bed, the light was vibrant and so splendid. The room shone with rays of sun and love and new life.
Our life journey has begun.
After giving birth I took a shower, as we did during pregnancy, I felt so sad and lonely and empty; but holding you in my arms is divine joy. I feel so open, that sometimes is almost frightening, fears of loss and anything happening to you vibrate so close to me. Tears and milk are flowing wild.
Isaac, I can’t never get enough of those moments of connection and love and nourishment. Life in bed with you, our hearts beating together.. this is the best best best life. I would birth you every day for the eternity to witness you coming to life!
The fourth trimester has come to an end, 13 moons ago you were only a tiny seed thinking about nesting in my womb, I’m glad you stayed my darling son, I hope you are thinking: “yes! I feel so happy with my family, I’ve made the right choice! “
Because you radiate so much love into our lives, we can’t think about life without you anymore.. your roots are already so so ever so deep into our soul.
Your spirit is dancing joyous with our spirits!
You are a sacred wild thing, the most sacred ! you are the expanding universe, you are all the stars, you are the earth and the water and the shining sun and the rising moon, you are fire.
Isaac you grow so fast .. so fast it scares me! I always hold you in my arms – I can’t think of you being anywhere else, I don’t want to put you down, why should I?
Thank you for believing in me and trusting that I was exactly and perfectly made to birth you, and you were made to be birthed only by me. I honour your birthing wisdom, it must have been hard for you to my baby! The spiral of labour and birth was not just for me.. you had to come all the way from the universe and spiral around billions and billions of stars and find the portal of our birth!
The journey to life is mysterious and magical Isaac, and absolutely a divine experience, I’m so privileged to have done this with you baby!
You are truly magic!
